Thursday, August 28, 2008

Feng Shui Fish

I've been having about the week I thought I would have, and have no idea how to deal with it. I didn't know how to deal with it back before it started, and all the planning in the word couldn't have prepared me.
I just have to fight my way through. The war of life.

I had an instance yesterday in the a.m. where I got pretty upset. I have no one to vent this stuff to. Yet since I have been here, I have been on the receiving end of venting for a number of people. Some of the stuff is pretty heavy. It makes me of course miss Donnie, who just by a hug can clear my head of pain and make me calmer. Without him I feel like a fish in feng shui that dies after absorbing too much negative chi.

But I don't want to get into the dangerous spot that relying on one other person puts an individual in. That is to say, I remember back when I read a Zen meditation book and they were talking about concentrating on beauty, like a rose. And they specifically said, it is probably best not to meditate on a person. I understand this, and I have always had a happy life by myself, even being with Donnie. But for some reason, being here in Oregon, where it is cloudy and 63 degrees, and after driving past a sushi place in Selwood that morning and getting a craving for the happiness sushi brings, I did feel a bit empty with only myself. I haven't had time to write lately (which is why I am doing it now, headache and all, while also trying to edit a white paper, get info together for someone and figure out the convention situation), which is where I find a lot of my solace when I am alone.

Anyway, I must move on. I have a lot to do, and I know I can do it. I just really really hope that I don't end up having a break down. I feel my body reacting to even just the two beers I had last night, sending me this headache to remind me not to push it. Too hard

1 comment:

KH said...

As I said above (though later in the timeline), I've been WAY behind on reading your posts. And now I'm a commenting fiend. But I just wanted to say as someone who really doesn't have that Donnie in my life, there is nothing wrong with depending a little on someone. You know I'm a huge "Lost" geek -- he's your constant. (So if you get unstuck in time, just find him and it'll be all right!) I think that's what we're all looking for, and you should feel lucky that you've got it. I guess in a non-romantic way (hee), you guys are mine :D It's good to have people you can count on, be they family, friends or significant others. You can ALWAYS vent to me!